And so, how will it end?

And so that’s how it has begun…

8th May 2012

I’ve always thought about this… Though I never really committed. I guess I’ve finally decided to follow through with it, though I’m still largely hesitant and unsure. For that who ever ends up reading this, well… Welcome to my world. You may not see as I do, nor possibly even understand it, yet what I can do, is tell you about it. I will try and paint a picture for you and I, so that we may understand each other, for as Einstein said, “Peace cannot be achieved through violence; it can only be attained through understanding.”

It would be polite for me to firstly introduce myself.

My names is James O***. I’ve had many nicknames so far. Big O, Jimmy Barnes, Charlie seem to resonate with my childhood. As I reached adolescence, I became Killa, Jimmy Catoto, and now, I’m simply known as either James or Jimmy. I hope one day I can change my surname to Catoto. Though I must deal with the misinterpretations and being called Mr Potato, Catoto is my mum’s, Amie, maiden name. To give you a brief rundown, my mum has cared for my two younger brother and I since I was 9 years old, as a single mum. She came from a small town near Ilo Ilo in the Philippines and managed to come to Australia when she married my dad. Although it’s seen in Western culture to adopt your father’s surname, I only believe it would right of me to change my surname in honour of my mum. I don’t know a single one of my friends who has a mum (or dad), that is single, has three children and works up 7 days a week.

I hope one day, when I know more about my own mum (which I admit with guilt), you will know more too.

Briefly, I hope, I will tell you why I’ve finally decided to write this.

It has been a week since my 18th birthday, being born on the 1st May 1994, a Taurian born in the Year of the Dog.

It was a good day, and too, a good night. My Uncle, Auntie and cousins were over. So too were a very close family… family. One of those close families that you call the parents your auntie and uncle, and the kids your cousins.

After all the festivities, I retreated back to my room to continue with some homework. It was here I was… I can’t describe it.

Enlightened if you may? I had an epiphany of sorts. though I don’t know if it was good.

Writing an essay on the construction of characters within a text for a school, listening to a debate between Richard Dawkins and Cardinal Pell on Q&A (a TV show on ABC in Australia) and drinking a glass of champagne, that I thought tasted absolutely foul, I thought of one thing that was absolute and it wasn’t time.

Death.

I realised, I will eventually die.

I don’t believe in a heaven. I don’t believe in a hell. I don’t believe in the Devil. And I don’t believe in God. Those are the straight facts, no need for me to justify them.

Nonetheless, irrespective of religious views, I realised I will die one day and since my birthday, it has haunted me, plagued my mind. I can’t throw off the thought. Everyday I think about it, the stronger it becomes, and I’ve thought about it everyday since.

It seems to be impairing me to some degree… I can’t focus on my homework as diligently as I normally do, and I’ve even begun to become lax towards attending school…

I’m not depressed. Not yet. I’ve been there before, so I would be able to notice it.

However, I’m curious as to where this will lead me.

And so that’s how it has begun…

Decided the new (but old) guitar I got, needed new strings. Ended up buying steel strings instead of nylon. All good. I didn’t realise the another guitar I got was a steel string anyway! =D

I can finally get back into playing music!! xD

November 22

blogkicker:

Let Yourself Be Huge

8 Tracks

Digital Download / Compact Disc / 10” Vinyl

Loop

16 Tracks

Digital Download

One of my favorite artists of all time. I’ve been listening to his stuff so much I didn’t even realize that it’s been over a whole year since the last album came out, let alone nearly two years since I mysteriously discovered this music.
The music has changed and defined many of my experiences so far, good or ill.
This is probably one of the more exciting things I’ve heard so far in this consistently bland life.

Tumblr

So, after much thought, I decided to finally make a tumblr account.

Naturally, like most cynical people, I was completely against using tumblr and merely scoffed at anyone who would mention that they had been on it. This was without me even knowing what it exactly was or what it was capable of.

Lately, I’ve been curious into having my own blog, in an attempt to express myself into a larger world, not just that limited to my work or school friends. Heck, they may even learn more about me from this, of those that even have tumblr.

Maybe this attempt will utterly fail, but I’d rather fail at something then to never try, because that’s where the true loss is.